Lady Parts

Out of all the reactions I've had to the unveiling of my naked body, none have totally discombobulated me the way my niece's did about a week ago.

Picture it: Cape May, August 2009.

My mother, niece and I are on a mini beach getaway and as we're preparing to hit the waves I, obviously, begin to change into my bathing suit. My 5 year-old niece has been wearing hers since we left Maryland earlier in the day - since she woke up and got dressed as a matter of fact.

After successfully pulling rank and scoring the highly coveted un-shared bed in our two-bed, one-bedroom accomodation, I turn towards my bed and begin to take off my pants. My niece, standing behind me, apparently thinks that I'm not aware of the fact that this is happening. "I can see your bu-utt," she says informatively.

My response to her: I grab my pants at either side (making sure I've got my underwear included in the grip) and snatch them down to my ankles in one fell swoop. I add a little rump-shake at the end and laugh.

I know, I'm taking pleasure in mooning a 5 year-old, real classy

But before my pants even make it to the ground, my niece lets out the kuh-rayziest squeal! "EeeeeeW! I can see your BUTT!!!" And she instantly breaks out into a fit of throaty, uncontrollable giggles.

Alright fine, she got a kick out of the moon too - this is what I'm thinking - I'm sure she'll get over it in a second. So I turn around, laughing with her, and continue to disrobe.

Get over it she did NOT my friends! Oh NO! On the contrary, after one glance at my pubes (aka The Garden of Love) she proceeds to go into hysterics! "EEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!! EEWWWW!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!"

And granted, I'm pretty taken aback, but nonetheless I swiftly continue on my mission because it's about to be high tide and there's not a moment of body-surfing time to waste. So in about 3 seconds I'm standing in front of her, completely naked.

I shit you not, she can barely catch her breath.

Her eyes bulge out of their sockets and she CANNOT stop squealing! And staring! And pointing! And GIGGLING!

"EW!!! EWW!!! EWWWW!!!! (giggle giggle) (high pitched squeal) EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!!! (giggle) EWW!! EEEEEEWWWWW!!! (high pitched squeal). . ."

you get the point

It's so obnoxious at this point that my mom walks into the room to see what the hell is going on. My niece is still carrying on so there's no use trying to compete with the mania - I pantomime to my mom, "You never get naked in front of her?" To which my mom simply responds with a shrug and a shake of her head.

This I find surprising, seeing as how I definitely grew up with my mother's naked form being an occasional, inconsequential part of our existence. I had assumed that with her raising my niece there would be a similar level of domestic bohemian nudie-time . . . but apparently . . . I was wrong.

My niece is still losing her marbles and I'm still naked, only now I'm beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. In truth, something about the way she's freaking out makes me feel just a little bit . . . like I might be traumatizing her.

My mother however, seems to think it's all just GRAND fun. Grinning, she takes a seat on the other bed to watch the spectacle.

I grab my bathing suit and switch into 'Youth Worker' speak. I say firmly, "Knock it off. Stop it."

My niece is still giggling and staring, but she's come down in volume - thank GOD.

I keep it up as I start putting on my bathing suit: "Quiet down. Stop it. You're gonna look like this too when you get bigger. All women have the same parts, OK?"

"Heh heh heh . . . eeewww. . ."

"OK? Do you hear me?"

She's still staring.

Finally, mercifully, I'm covered.

"OK?"

She looks me in the eye, for the first time in what feels like forever, and smiles.

. . .

What a weirdo :)